My birth story

It only took me a year to get this up.

My appointments leading up to my due date sent mixed signals. Of course every woman is different and no pregnancies are identical, but I had false hope thinking he’d come early from my Internet readings.

•1 cm dilated, 20% effaced at 38 weeks (woohoo it’s starting!).
•1 cm dilated, 80% effaced at 39 weeks (getting closer!!).
•2 cm dilated, 100% effaced at 40 weeks (ok, any minute now!?)

I went in to my 40 week check up (June 17th) a little disappointed he hadn’t arrived, but anxious to see what the dr had to say. He talked about inducing but I really didn’t want to do it. I wanted to let nature take it’s course (maybe, he’s not ready to come out yet!). During my appt, I mentioned a pain I’d been having between my shoulder blades and right below my rib cage, nausea, and headaches. Of course i self diagnosed and read online that it could be gallstones. He said if it continued, they’d do an ultrasound to look for gallstones (my Internet research was right! Ha! To all you who doubt my self diagnosing skills) at my next appointment. So, home we went.

Two days later, June 19th, E and I attended our apartment complex’s ‘Fiesta’ (Summer pool party). Along with the theme they catered Mexican food. we arrived a little late but picked up our tickets for lunch and got in line to get our food. The line was long. Like ridiculously long. By the time we got our food the party was pretty much over, so we headed home to eat. After dinner (around 9pm), I started feeling the pain again. I’d read that heat could help alleviate the pain, so Eli and I headed to Wal-mart to buy a heating pad. On the way home the pain was starting to get worse. When I got home I decided to take my temperature because I just didn’t feel ‘right.’ I don’t remember my exact temperature but I believe it was around 100.1, low grade fever. I called the advice nurse to see what I should do. She recommended we come in to get checked out. So off we headed.

We arrived at triage around 11 and the nurses were prepared for us. They took Eli to check us in, and put me in a small room for monitoring. I changed into the gown and put on the monitors, a nurse came in to draw blood, then we waited. After about an hour and a half a nurse came back and told us they were gonna move us into one of the labor and delivery rooms to get some rest until the ultrasound tech would be in around 8 in the morning. We each dozed off for a few hours until a nurse and 3 doctors came in around 7. One of the drs (the only male) informed us that my blood count was low, and I had elevated liver enzymes. He said I had HELLP and the only treatment would be to deliver the baby, so they would have to induce me. I agreed and they said they’d be back. As soon as they walked out, I burst into tears. I didn’t want to be induced. I don’t think at the time I understood the severity of the situation. At first when the dr said I had hellp I thought he was trying to be funny, then he said I had to be induced and I realized it wasn’t a joke. A nurse walked in and saw me crying and tried to console me. She told me I would be fine and its good that they caught it early. I couldn’t tell her that I wasn’t concerned about the hellp syndrome, I just didn’t want to be induced, the severity of the situation hadn’t really sunk in. I think back now at how irrational (irrational pregnant woman?! Shock and surprise!) I was being and it makes me laugh. They immediately started an iv and magnesium sulfate. When they started putting in the iv, i reaIizd that meant I was restricted to the bed and my heart sank. My whole birth plan had just been tossed out the window. They immediately started limiting my fluid intake to 4 oz an hour (which felt like one gulp). The feeling of being thirsty and not allowed to drink is horrible (especially after pushing for an hour). They started the pitocin at 8am. We called my mom, who lived an hour away so she could head over and Eli and I tried to get some rest before things got crazy. Since we hadnt anticipate being admitted we hadnt brought anything with us, so Eli had to go home to pick up our stuff. As soon as my mom arrived he headed out. I had some naive notion that the baby would come quickly so I was anxious for him to return. He returned before I started feeling any contractions, thankfully.

The only picture I have with Eli that day!

I didn’t start feeling contractions until around 10ish. They weren’t *too* bad to begin with. They were uncomfortable, but I was still able to interact through them.

Around 4pm I felt like I had to pee, so Eli and one of the nurses helped me up to the bathroom, with my iv cart following along. After I went pee, I stood up and felt a huge gush of water. I open the door and told the nurse that I think my water just broke. I made my way back to the bed, and the nurse confirmed that my water had broken. After that my contractions began to get intense. I kept switching positions, laying down was horrible. Hands and knees, or kneeling positions helped to relieve the pain I was feeling in my lower back. Eli began placing counter pressure on my hips which helped relieve some of the pain. He was also grunting along side me, helping me feel less self conscious.

Around 11pm, the contractions were horrible. I shouting out curse words and telling them I couldn’t do this. Then apologizing to the nurses for complaining. One of my nurses offered the narcotic to ‘help take the edge off.’ I knew my plan was for a drug free birth, but at the moment I was in so much pain that I told her I wanted it. About a half hour goes by and I ask the nurse how long before it should kick in. Her response was ‘you should feel it by now.’ I was extremely disappointed that I took the narcotic and felt no relief.

Around 12, I begin to feel the urge to push. The nurse suggest I begin guttural grunting to help with the urge, but it doesn’t help relieve the pressure and only dries out my throat (while I’m still on water restriction) I ask for the dr to check me. The dr comes in and begins to check me. It was the most awful feeling to be on my back and have the dr check me while my contractions were coming so close together. She says that I pretty much at 10, but I have a lip that she could push over. Once she’s done the prep the room for delivery! Around 12:30 I begin pushing. They give me an oxygen mask and the dr tells me to let her know when I’m getting a contraction so I can push. Pushing is such a relief over the contractions. It’s like they go away every time I push. After about 40 minutes they tell me they can see his head and I’m so close, but every time I stop pushing he slides back in. The dr let’s me know she’s going to have to give me an episiotomy (my 2nd biggest fear of labor), I nod. At this point I’m ready for him to be here. Right after, they tell me to push and ask me if I can hold it longer than my two counts of ten. I nod and continue pushing. I feel an odd sensation as the pull him out. They semi wipe him and place him on my chest. 1:37 am June 21, 2010 my little man came into the world. 9lbs, 23 inches.

Immediately, I’m in love. I never believed in love at first sight until my son was born. Child rearing is an amazing thing. You can completely love someone you never met and instantly know that it’s meant to last forever.

Sadly we didn’t get a family pic that day, but we’ve taken many since!

Be careful what you wish for…

Where do I begin? In the past 3 months, I was promoted, started training for my new position, quit my job, broke our apartment lease and moved back in with my ‘in laws.’ I am currently a stay at home mom with my (just turned) one year old. I eventually plan on going into more details in individual post for the different topics. I am going to start with the events that took place causing me to leave my job.

I am going to start by saying that I loved my job. Empashsis on the past tense. Our company began going through a merger. It was the first of its kind and a pretty big deal. The process was long and hard on everyone involved, which pretty much meant every employee, although some had it harder than others. I had been with the company for four and a half years and in that time worked my way up through various postions and building relationships with higher ups. I took on a huge burden of ‘managing the productivity’ of my department while my manager was enthralled in merger related projects. Basically I was managing a department without the pay and title. I knew that I wanted to move up and felt taking on the responsibility would get me noticed and make me a shoe in to become the department manager after the merger, as my manager was being promoted.

Slowly we started being informed of how the departments would look after the merger. Some departments were staying with us, some being moved to the corportate office we would now have in Beaverton. It was a relief to learn that our department would be staying. My manager shared with me what the department was going to look like. There wasnt going to be a manager position. I was crushed. I wasnt sure where to go from there. I kept in touch with my first manager with the company which was in charge of a sub division within the department. She had a manager position open and told me to think about it. Within a few weeks, she offered me the job and I accepted it. I wasnt sure what I would be doing, but I knew I was going to be a manager. I felt relief.

Months go by and its finally time for me to start transitioning into my new role. I expected training and guidance as I began to handle tasks I had never before handled. I received NO training, but a lot of negative comments and put downs when something wasnt done to her liking. I was thrown into a position expected to manage and guide a staff of 5 with no guidance myself. One day I would be told to relay information to them and the next day it would be the complete opposite. I felt bad for the staff as they were being pulled in 5 different directions in an uneasy time within the company with a manager that couldnt even provided them any reassurance. On top of that, my boss would make comments basically saying it was up to me to decide what my priorities are (between my job and family). Above all, that was the hardest thing. The mommy guilt was already killing me for being away 8 hours a day, but in my new role, working 10-12 hour days and weekends was sending me over the edge.

The last two weeks before I resigned were pure hell. In my 7 years of being a part of the working force, I have never experienced a job in which I was ‘bad’ at.  I dreaded coming into work each day knowing I would be criticized or reprimanded for something. One day (it was a Thursday), I broke down. After trying to accomplish a task three times and still receiving her approval, I stepped outside to take a break and call my mom (moms always make you feel better). While venting to her, I broke down crying. I couldn’t get myself to calm down. I went home for the day thinking I’d gather myself and come back refreshed the next day. I dreaded going in the next day. During a meeting with my new boss, I broke down again. I couldnt control my emotions. When she asked what was wrong, I responded with saying I was overwhelmed. Her response was, ‘Welcome to management.’ I went home that evening and knew I didnt want to do this anymore.

That weekend was horrible. I would be ok, and then it felt like it would all hit me like a ton of bricks. I was overcome with a feeling of failure, mommy guilt, and disgust at someone I had once considered to be a mentor. Eli and I talked about our options all weekend. When I accepted the position, I went in thinking, ‘whats the worst that will happen? I wont like it and I will leave.’ So I already had a back up plan in mind. One I wasnt very fond of the idea of, but a back up plan no less. I spoke to my mom, Eli, old co-workers and made up my mind. I wasnt going to put up with it anymore. I was going in Monday morning and putting my two week resignation in. I felt  a sense of fear, leaving the job I had known for the past four years, that had provided us with a stable income, but I also felt relief. Monday morning, I asked my boss to meet and I gave her my notice. I lied, er – explained, that I needed to focus on my son and I couldnt take on the responsibilty of this postion. In all honesty, I half expected her to ask me to stay. She didnt and it stung and made me feel reassured that I was making the right decision. She asked me if I knew she would have done anything she could to make this easier on me. I nodded, but thought to myself, ‘are you freaking kidding me?!‘ We walked out and I asked my ‘old’ boss (since I was still technically reporting to her) if we could meet. We went into a room and I handed her my notice. Her reaction made me regret my decision to leave her department. She teared up and told me I was one of the best employees she’s ever had.
The following two weeks flew by. The first week was some what awkward. My team had no idea what was going on when they’d seen me all red faced from crying and I was suddenly absent from meetings and the department picture. I can only imagine what they were thinking. The following Monday we announced it to the teams that I was leaving to focus on my family. Surprisingly I received many congratulations, I’m sure it was something many wish they could’ve done; left the unsteady, nerve wrecking environment the company was in. My last day there was wonderful! They put together an amazing surprise lunch pot luck with all my favorite foods. It felt good to leave the company in which I really established myself as a professional on ‘good terms.’

My take aways from this experience have been:
• Be careful what you wish for. It just might come true and be nothing like you expect it to be.
• I have an amazing significant other and son that are so supportive and make me realize how truly lucky I am.
• The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, it just appears that way.

In the end, I ended up leaving a job I loved to pursue what I thought my dream was and ended up an emotional mess (only for a few days), quitting my job, and losing respect for someone I had looked up to. You live and you learn…

Back again

This blog has been extremely neglected. Its a little bit crazy how much my life has changed in  (almost) 3 months. Some for the better, some not so much…but its all been a learning experience. With so many changes going on, my life has been a little hectic to say the least, although i’ve been needing an outlet. I’ve been meeting up with friends, going on walks, talking to Eli, but it just wasnt leaving me feeling satified (theres only so much venting a friend or significant other can take) when I remember, my blog! So here I am, back again. There are quite a few topics that i’d like to write about, so I anticipate post overload for a short time, but my goal will be to post at  least once every other week. Lets see how this goes…

P.S. I went back and re-read some of my post that were written on my iPhone and the typos are ridiculous! So, I apologize for those and will avoid posting from my iPhone without proof reading again!

10 months

I meant to post this 2 days ago!

It feels like just yesterday I had you in my tummy and today, you are 10 months old. Its amazing all the things you have learned and how much you’ve changed in 10 short months. You are now the size of a two year old, 31 lbs and 32′ inches! Tiny babies are cute, but I LOVE having a big boy.
I love seeing you develop your own personality and seeing what traits you’ve taken from your dad and me (oh, stubbornness! I can’t imagine your teen years). You are one happy little boy, always full of smiles and laughter, but you definitely let us know when you don’t like something.
You love being chased around the house. As soon as you seem me walk in the door from work you take off crawling in the other direction giggling. I take off crawling behind you and your giggles get louder and you add in a few shrieks. As soon as I catch you, I swoop you into my arms and we lay on the floor as I smother you with kisses. Then I let you go and we do it all over again.
You’ve been pulling yourself into a standing position holding onto anything you can (mostly the couch or mine and dads legs) for over a month, but now you let go and stay standing on your own. At first you’d get scared and would plop down on your butt or reach to hold onto something. Daddy and I have started encouraging you with clapping and ‘yays!’ when you do let go. You seem to like that by trying to join in clapping with a huge grin on your face! And now you’ll let go for longer periods of time. You’ve been doing that for a week now, but it still amazes and excites me every time. It’s a bittersweet moment for me, as much as I look forward to your first steps and eventual running, I know it means your getting closer to being a ‘big boy.’ Although there are days I think I can’t wait for you to grow up and be a little more self sufficient, there’s a small part in me that wants to keep you a baby forever.

My big boy standing on his own!

In two months you’ll be one. ONE! I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet, but I’m enjoying starting to plan your party because ONE is a BIG deal. You keep me on my toes baby boy and I’m enjoying every minute I get to spend with you. I love you my big boy!

My little problem…ain’t so bad.

So, I survived our trip to the ‘in laws’ house. AND it was that bad. The car ride down wasn’t too bad, it was long, but Ethan was pretty good considering. To cover all my ‘complaints’ 
1. Sleep – I really can’t complain too much. I woke up sore from the mattress, but I did get to take 2 – 2 hour naps and go to bed at 9:30. Needless to say I felt great the next day! 
2. Ethan didn’t get as much freedom to roam as I’d like. He was restricted to his walker or being held. Definitely not my ideal situation, but for a day and a half it was horrible. 
3. Elis brother was loud, as expected. Plus they ordered the UFC fight and invited friends over. But, luckily I took our sound machine (old iPhone – gotta love all those free apps!)  with us and that helped to drown out majority of the noise. With me staying in bed with Ethan helped to keep him asleep. 
4. The big one, my ‘MIL.’ She wasn’t too bad.  I wasn’t pleasantly surprised to not receive many comments or remarks in regard to my parenting.  The last few times she’s made comments to me,  I haven’t bothered to argue. I would just shrug my shoulder and/or shake/nod my head. I’m not sure if she got the hint or if she’s just decided to back off. Whatever it was, I’m grateful for it. There’s one thing that she does that drives me insane. She’ll ask’borrowerrow’ Ethan and once I give him to her, she always takes him out of the room I’m in. The kitchen/dining area are open to the family room, then the office is right next to the kitchen (but you can’t see in from the kitchen or family room) and then there is a living room next to the office (which isn’t very visible to the kitchen or family room), I like to call it the ‘fancy’ living room. It’s the one with porcelain figures and you don’t use unless you have company that isn’t family. As kids we were always taught to never go into the ‘fancy living room.’ If were all in the family she take him into the office or ‘fancy living room.’ I might be reading too much into it and she’s totally doing it sub consciously or she does it on purpose. Like I mentioned in previous post, Eli and I are very particular about the way we parent Ethan. I’m not sure if it’s her way of avoiding me telling her what she can and can’t do with him (she likes to hold him while standing for long periods of time and we ask her not to because he’ll want to be held all the time later and we feel he’s going to suffer when we aren’t able to…it happened after the first time we visited. She held him all weekend. When we came back home we suffered from the crying every time we put him down. It wasn’t so bad at 10lbs, but now at 28lbs I’m lucky to be able to hold him for 15 minutes!). I know I’m being overly sensitive, but I feel she should be able to spend time with him with me around. It’s so frustrating! 
Our car ride home was a little bit of a nightmare. Ethan missed Neptune so I was hoping he’d just fall asleep in the car, as he normally does. That didn’t happen. He cried the whole way. It was such a painful experience. We pulled over a few times to try to calm him and nurse him thinking it would help. He was so distracted by the streetlights it didn’t work. The last time we pulled over was basically in the middle of nowhere, it was dark and quiet. I nursed him and rocked him inour tiny car and he finally fell asleep. He will definitely never miss nap time on before a long trip again.
Overall it was a successful weekend. Although they might drive me crazy, I am blessed to have so many people that love and support eli, myself, and my son. In the grand scheme of things I think my ‘problem’ isn’t so bad…it could definitely be a whole lot worse. I know things will get better eventually. I just have to learn to deal. Someone please tell me number 2 will be easier! 

9 months

My baby is 9 months old today. 9 MONTHS! It feels like just yesterday that I was carrying this little boy in my belly, and today I have this wild little boy crawling around, climbing on top of his toys and furniture, and getting into anything his little hands and body can get into.

Climbing his walker (surrounded by the mess he made)- taken 3/21/11

Its tiring. Its crazy. It’s amazing. I love every minute of it. In 9 short months he has become his own little person. It sounds like such a ‘duh’ statement, but seeing your completely dependent newborn transition to sitting, crawling, climbing, semi self feeding on his own is quite an experience. I’m excited about all his developmental accomplishments and look forward to so many to come (walking, talking, potty training!), but it also makes me a little sad. My baby is not going to be a ‘baby’ for much longer. I try to remind myself to cherish every moment and enjoy him as much as possible. Some days it’s easier than others. Between him, eli, housework and work I find myself getting caught up in the whirlwind that is life and forgetting to relish every moment. But as soon as I see his little face and amazing smile, it reminds me what is important.

Play with a train set at Barnes and Noble on 3/19/11

I am so blessed to have such an amazing baby. These 9 months have been amazing and I look forward to so many more to come.

Update

I am horrible at keeping up with blogging! In theory, it sounded easy, but it’s not. Not at all! Between work, Ethan, cooking, cleaning, eating, etc I feel like I have no time to fit anything else in. I’m going to make a better effort to keep up with it.

I’ve got a little problem…

So, I have this little problem…

We (Ethan, Eli, and myself) live about 2 hours away from both our families. Before Ethan came we made an effort to make it down to visit once or twice a month. Since Ethan arrived, it has turned into once every other month due to finances, our schedules, the amount of work that goes into it (packing for this little guy is unbelievable considering how much we need!), and partially because I don’t want to. Now don’t get me wrong, I love both our families and I like seeing them, but I have this weird pet peeve about staying at other peoples houses. When we travel down there we stay with Elis family. Before we moved up here, I lived with Eli at his parents house. Not our ideal situation, but it worked for. It was hard not having our own space. Now that we have our own space AND Ethan, staying there is so hard on me, there are other reason too.
1. I sleep horribly, we have a queen bed, they have a full, hard mattress bed which equal horrible sleep for me.
2.Ethan is now crawling/pulling himself up onto furniture. They have tile or hardwood throughout the entire house and a dog and a cat. Now, I know I might be exaggerating/a little crazy, but I don’t feel comfortable putting Ethan on the floor because I’m scared he’ll fall and crack his head open (exaggerating, I tell you. And my poor boy is clumsy just like his momma or because he’s only 8 months). The floor is unbelievably cold (the house holds heat terribly) and I have this horrible image of him licking the floor (pet hair and all). So all that being said he would need to be ‘restrained’ (for lack of a better word) all weekend, which I don’t think is fair to him.
3. Elis brother is there ( he’s 25) and he is ridiculously loud (not his voice, necessarily but his stereo/video games) all night. We’ve been having sleep issues the past two weeks, so this I don’t look forward too.
4. The big one, my (future) MIL. Don’t get me wrong, the lady is nice to me, but she thinks she knows EVERYTHING! And she doesn’t seem to be helpful or polite about it. At first, I would explain my evidence (ex: “Babies are suppose to sleep on their stomach, not their back because they’ll choke in their sleep.” Uh. Say what?! The SIDS police would definitely not agree with this one. I explained about SIDS and how the number of deaths due to SIDs has decreased greatly since the back to sleep campaign started and her response was, ‘Well my doctor said to never put them on their back.” umm, yeah lady that was over 25 years ago…things change.) If it’s not the way he sleeps, it’s that he sleeps to much, or eats too much, or it’s weird that I’m still nursing and we’re making it harder on ourselves because were still co-sleeping. (bitter, much?) wait, did I mention she even said his name was weird? (WTH?!) I no longer back up my evidence, and just shrug my shoulder and tilt my head when she makes her little remarks. I can deal with it for a few hours, but a whole weekend? Oh, lordy… It’s gonna be a long one.
Eli and I have pretty set ‘guidelines’ and routines we have set for Ethan. We are both involved in setting/changing them and we dont really involve a 3rd party (family). My mom had a very hard time with this, as she had involved her mom (my grandma) to help raise us. Were still working through it with her (hurt feelings), but we will not budge. I tell people Eli and I are crazy parents, were strict and extremely over protective, but at the end of the day he is OUR son. We had a medical situation (emergency room, hospital stay, specialist appointments, etc. – that story to come later) with Ethan 7 days after he was born. It was/is extremely hard on us to worry about him not being 100% healthy. I’m not sure if that is the reason we are the way we are with him (over protective and we chose not to leave him with any one else unless absolutely necessary) or if we would have been this way regardless. Unfortunately, we’ll never know.

I am and am not looking forward to this weekend, I can only hope my long list above will get shorter with time and make these trips a lot more enjoyable for us.

Be Mine…

Happy Valentines Day!

Just makes my heart melt!

7 months

(I’ve been meaning to post this for the last two weeks!)

Ethan,

Oh how fast these past seven months have flown by. They have been a whirlwind of emotions. Happiness, sadness, excitement, anxiousness, nervousness, I could go on and on. I am truly amazed at all the things you have learned in such a short time. I swear sometimes you think you’re a big boy. And I love seeing you pick up things so quickly and be ahead of the learning curve for you age, but at the same time it makes me a little sad. You’re growing up too fast, baby boy. I try to remind myself to cherish every minute with you because before I know it you will no longer be a baby. You will always be MY baby, but soon you’ll be a ‘big boy.’ I can’t help but laugh when I see my stubbornness and independent nature in you (I’m bracing myself now for your teen years). Your little fist banging on things, grunts, and sighs let your dad and I know when you’re frustrated or have had enough. It’s amazing to see you express yourself, and a bit comical.
Your dad and I made a decision to co-sleep with you (partially selfish because it means we get to sleep too and I get to be close to you since I’m away working most of the day). I know soon we will have to get you sleeping in your crib (you are such a tiny thing compared to your dad and I, yet you take up more room than either one of us, it’s truly amazing how you can manage to accomplish that), but I’m not ready for that yet. I want to enjoy you as my little baby as long as I can. I have to say cuddling with you while you sleep is one of my favorite times of day. It’s the rare time I get to enjoy without you trying to squirm away.
Oh boy, are you a little wiggle worm. You do not stay in one position for more than 2 minutes. You constantly want to be involved in everything. You are officially crawling (yay!). It makes me a little sad (it’s one step closer to becoming a ‘independent’) but it is so totally awesome! Seeing you crawl around with a huge smile on your face as you find something to get into makes my day.

You are learning something new everyday and I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us! I love you baby boy!